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Flirt City, Population: Anyone Who Speaks to Me

I don’t know whether this is something society has done to me or just another example of my internal overanalyzing, but I think anyone who is being nice to me is flirting with me. You would think I grew up surrounded by terrible, unloving and unfriendly people, who were more likely to greet you with a slap in the face than a smile or eye contact. But we all know I’m from Perfect Colorado so that’s just not the case. Thinking that general friendliness is flirtation is not the worst way to look at it. I could be suspicious of everyone, preparing myself for whatever scam they are trying to lure me in to this time – I reserve that judgment for Coconut Water.


But this “everyone is flirting with me” paranoia yields two extreme reactions on my part. I either get a crush super easily on any guy who asks how my day is, immediately file him under “potential life long love” and become too distracted planning our lives together to listen to what he’s saying. OR I will quickly zone out in a panic to focus on how I’m going to subtly tell a friendly woman that I’m straight. I say ‘subtly’ because nothing would be worse than shouting “I’m straight!” right into her face. What if this interaction was (definitely was) general human decency and not seduction? Then I come across as a person who takes a nice conversation as flirtation. Which is exactly who I am.


I don’t envy people in relationships who have to reveal their ‘taken’ status in potentially flirty interactions. If you just blurt it out, you’re a presumptuous ass and if you hold back and allow the flirting to continue you’re a selfish ass. Either way you’re an ass. It all has to be done subtly and organically. Recently I had an experience where a guy naturally, but purposefully told me he had a girlfriend. I really give this guy props because revealing that kind of information is important but is all dependent. I mean, what if I wasn’t flirting with him?? I was, but it’s amazing he picked up on it because I called him bro a few times and gave him a lot of high fives. Just goes to show you…. my flirting style is totally workingggg! Because what is a high five if not a hand hump?


He was telling me about all of his different jobs and I said, “whoa, you’re really a jack of all trades” to which he responded “that’s what my girlfriend calls me too.” It wasn’t sly and it wasn’t announced but it was clear. So good for him, the awkward part of the conversation was over for him. He had revealed the information he needed to reveal and now I had to react to it. Subtly. So without saying a word I turned around and walked away. I couldn’t waste anymore of my single lady flirt on a taken man.


I suffer from the opposite problem. I want everyone to know that I do NOT have a boyfriend; another thing you can’t just go screaming from the rooftops or whispering into guys’ ears. It doesn’t help that I’m always with my brother. And it really doesn’t help that we look nothing alike. We’ve been confused for a couple too many times for it to not be a huge concern for us. I try to subtly reveal that we’re related by raising my voice and inserting “have you talked to our parents today?” into our conversation and then looking around slyly to see see the look of intrigue on the face of all my potential suitors.


The ins and outs and subtleties of flirting are truly exhausting. And, honestly, I feel like I’m always flirting. I’m flirting with girls because I want, nay deserve, a large friend circle. I’m flirting with clients because I want them to know, nay need them to know, their journey to change their body is both of ours. I’m constantly flirting with the idea of moving back to Colorado. And don’t even get me started on the amount of high fives I give out, bro. #flirtcity

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